As DOGE stutters, all that remains is cringe

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“This is the chainsaw for bureaucracy! Chainsaw! Arghhhh!” Elon Musk spluttered at the CPAC last week, brandishing a pimped out power tool gifted to him by Argentinian President Javier Milei while wearing reflective sunglasses, a huge gold chain, and a slogan tee that read: “I’m not procrastinating, I’m doing side-quests.” For those concerned about global future normalcy levels, this is not a reassuring image. The simulation continued as Musk joked that he was “living the meme” while his ex-partner, Grimes, publicly pleaded with him on his own social media platform to respond to their child’s “urgent medical crisis.”

Meanwhile, the start of 2025 has brought a disconcerting string of deadly plane crashes. America is experiencing an egg shortage due to the worsening bird flu crisis. Also during the CPAC, Steve Bannon appeared to flash a Nazi salute just weeks after Musk did the same at Donald Trump’s inauguration. Plus, Kanye West is posting again. In the space of a week he called himself a Nazi, released a Yeezy tee with a swastika on it, deactivated X following a lengthy anti-semitic rampage only to rejoin days later and walk everything back while shouting out Adam Sandler.

All in all it seems increasingly likely that the end of the world won’t come with a bang, but with a cringe. Rebecca Shaw put it best in an op-ed for The Guardian: “I have been prepared for evil, for greed, for cruelty, for injustice – but I did not anticipate that the people in power would also be such huge losers.” Politically, the best we can hope for now is that the figureheads of the current US Administration are so powerfully lame that their behaviour will repel people via the natural human instinct to avoid second hand embarrassment. The Sieg Heil “trend” is so pathetic even prominent white nationalists including Nick Fuentes and Richard Spencer are distancing themselves from the MAGA movement, with Fuentes declaring it “a little excessive” even for him, Spencer slamming American fascism as a “personality cult,” and National Rally (France’s far-right party) leader Jordan Bardella pulling out of the CPAC following Bannon’s address. Hilariously, Musk’s approval ratings are flatlining so badly they’re harming Donald Trump’s popularity as well. The more this happens, the more we will likely see the right wing split into two camps: those who want nothing to do with MAGA – objectively one of the most definitive political movements in recent American history – and those who need Musk to be a cool genius, otherwise they’ll have to accept that they were hoodwinked by the ugliest loser to walk the Earth since Henry VIII.

Regularly welcomed as a distraction in a crisis, the Super Bowl LIX provided yet more amusement in the form of male egos at war. In a sensational halftime show about black power in America, Kendrick Lamar took the opportunity to hammer one last nail into the coffin of his year-long beef with Drake. You could say it detracted from a performance that had its own things to say about power dynamics and cultural contradictions, or you could call it meta-commentary – a point demonstrated, on the NFL’s biggest stage, that millions of people can watch a performance rich with symbolism about racial inequality and still focus on the feud between two of the 21st century’s most successful rappers, which basically amounts to nothing. Critically speaking, it’s hard to see where Drake could go after having a man in bootcut jeans rouse over 75,000 people into calling him a nonce while one ex-girlfriend (SZA) performs a duet and another (Serena Williams) shows up unannounced to crip walk on his proverbial grave. Commercially, however, the answer arrived within a week: a historic three-day takeover of London’s Wireless Festival. Meanwhile, Kendrick’s album sales shot up 10,000% after the Super Bowl. When all’s said and done, they have everything to gain from one another.

In more consequential rap news, one of six lawyers representing Sean “Diddy” Combs in his upcoming sex trafficking case filed a motion to withdraw from his legal defence team. “Under no circumstances can I continue,” Anthony Ricco said in a rather cryptic statement. Diddy’s trial is still set for May, when he’ll face charges of sex trafficking, racketeering, and transportation to engage in prostitution, which he has denied. The case runs deep but for those interested in a primer on Diddy’s life in crimes, which date back to the early ’90s, Robert Evans’ Behind The Bastards podcast recently put out a three part episode detailing most – not even all! – of the hideous things he is accused of doing.

Elsewhere in crime, the trial of Luigi Mangione has officially begun. The 26-year-old tech bro from Maryland has been charged with the murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, and is currently facing 11 state criminal counts in New York, including first-degree murder and murder as a crime of terrorism. He has pleaded not guilty to those charges, though the court of online public opinion has already formed a unanimous verdict: too hot to convict. His first court appearance on February 21 poured gasoline on an already roaring fire of sex appeal, with one post accompanying a photo of Mangione’s tan loafers and ankle cuffs reading, biblically: “The shackled feet of Luigi Mangioni” to the tune of over seven thousand bookmarks. Things are only likely to get hornier from here, especially if he keeps refusing to wear socks. I give it a month before Balenciaga comes out with a line of “Shackle Loafers” the way Lindsay Lohan’s alcohol monitor inspired Chanel to release a collection of ankle bags in 2008.

God bless our normal world.

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